How I Got My Scar - The Final Chapter - With a Vengeance - This Time It's Personal.

So after being towel-rack-whipped unconscious, I now wake up sitting in the cockpit of a vibrating rocket. My eyes slowly regain their focus, and I reach back to where I was struck in the back of the head - no cut, no bump - she must have had a towel wrapped around the rack.

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I realize I'm not alone in the cockpit as I hear the artificial aspirating of another space suit helmet nearby, and I'm shocked to look over and find that my co-pilot on this little voyage is a chimpanzee! She looks over at me with this look on her face that says, "Think again, big boy - I'm not the co-pilot, you are!"

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I realize, of course, she's right - I only have one knob, one button, and one little meter readout to monitor - and my instructions are written on a cocktail napkin taped to the otherwise blank panel in front of me. It seems thatI have not been entrusted with much on this mission. I look out the window, and see that we have already taken off and left the Earth's atmosphere - and we are not in orbit. I adjust my side rear view mirror, and see Earth getting smaller and smaller in the distance behind us.

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Before I even have time to read my instructions, however, the ship starts to shimmy and shake - doing the shimmy-shake - and it feels like we are sliding down and to the left from the trajectory we were on. I look over at the pilot, Jane (named after Ms. Goodall, I assume), and her eyes are getting huge as she frantically grabs levers, wheels, and switches trying to pull us back on course. I figure I better do something - but what can I do? I only have one knob and one button! So, of course! I spin that knob hard left and begin pushing the button repeatedly - that should do the trick!

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So now the ship banks hard and heads straight for what I can only assume is a black hole! Jane smacks me in the back of the head with this look on her face that just says (Napoleon Dynamite-esque) "Idiot!" As if it wasn't bad enough to be hurtling through space toward a black hole, now I'm humiliated by a monkey. I look at the cocktail napkin and all it says is, "Herr Carroll, whatever you do, don't touch this knob or button."

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I grab the napkin and wad it up and throw it Jane who is now jumping around the cockpit and grabbing the tubes of banana paste and throwing them at me. I look back out the window just in time to see us plummet into complete and total blackness.

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I feel like I'm falling, falling, then I land on my bed in my house. I go to the kitchen for a snack, cause I'm always a little bit hungry, and as I pass the hallway mirror, I notice that I have a scar on the back of my head.

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There you have it - that's how I got my scar. Black Hole.